Batman is real!

I was looking through all the pictures on my phone tonight and every time I saw a picture of Andrew I just stared at his handsome face, zoomed in and just looked into his eyes and longed for him to come alive! I miss him more than words can explain and I just have an overwhelming sadness all the time! I just want to hug and kiss him so badly….just one more time! Grief is like an ocean and it comes in waves. I’ll have a descent day and then the next it’s like BAM! Knocks me right down and takes my breath away! Today I just had Andrew on my mind every second and I was just feeling very down & depressed. It’s so surreal to know you will never see your child again here on earth and then have to wake up and continue to live life without him.

I noticed that in every picture Andrew is always touching someone… he either has his arm around them or his hand is placed over theirs. I could see & feel the love right through the photograph & that is precious to me. In 2016, we went on a family vacation to Ocho Rios and it was such a wonderful time. One of the best family memories I have is from that trip. We went to the the “ Blue Hole”, which is such a cool place. They have caves, waterfalls & cliffs to dive off and the water is a beautiful shade of turquois. Our tour guide was amazing…he was doing flips and dives off of the highest cliffs and was so entertaining! It was a perfect day and we all loved it! We swam through caves, walked down waterfalls & jumped off cliffs….even me! I found a picture of the five of us from that day and it literally made me smile remembering the fantastic day we had together, yet so deeply saddened me because I know that we will never go on a vacation like that as a family of five ever again.

It seems like when I’m really struggling, people reach out to me in ways that really warm my heart! Last week I received a book from another mother who lost her son very recently. She read this book and thought I would like it which is so kind that she’s thinking of me during her own horrendous grief. It’s a short book that a mother whose son passed away wrote. It’s called “Through the Eyes of a Dove” and it’s about seeing signs from our children to bring us peace and acceptance which I really need!

Two other people texted me pictures of things they saw that reminded them of Andrew and they wanted to let me know they were thinking of him which is the best gift anyone could ever give me! One picture was of a Batman license plate & the other of a whole display of Batman decor in a store.
I also received a beautiful card in the mail with a kind and thoughtful note saying she’s praying for me & my family and that she is always thinking of us!! The best mail I could receive!

But my favorite thing that happened this week was a friend who sent me a message that she saw on Facebook. This young girl she knows was at the cemetery visiting a family member. She decided to take a little drive around which is something she never did before. She came across a beautiful stone with Batman on it. She’s a huge Batman fan so she pulled over and got out to look at it and she even took a picture. She noticed how young this person was when they died. It was Andrew’s stone. She read his name & remembered her cousin losing a friend recently named Andrew so she texted the picture to him and it was the same Andrew. She couldn’t believe that the one stone that caught her attention was her cousin’s friend. This really made my heart happy! To know that random people just stop to admire his stone and know they have the love of Batman in common just brings me joy! She said he’s my Batman buddy now!

I don’t believe in coincidences…I never have and I believe it even more strongly now! None of these little hugs I received all week were coincidences! They happened to the right people that would take the time to let me know they were thinking of Andrew & me and those signs came from my son! I really believe that! He knows I’m grieving his loss and wants to help me feel that he’s here with me and he’s at peace and in a better place. It’s funny how ao many signs I get from Andrew revolve around Batman & music which were two of his favorite things on earth! I never thought I would be so grateful for Batman, but I am!

To me, love is God and I received a lot of love this week! God is with me and my son is with Him! I’m so thankful that even through my sadness I can feel so much love surrounding me! That is what gets me though each day!

Lick my tears away!

Ten months since my precious son, Andrew died….ten months! I haven’t heard my son’s voice or seen his handsome face in ten months! This is such a hard concept for anyone to truly grasp! I’m living this nightmare and I can’t even understand how I’m surviving day by day….let alone 10 months without my child, my 21 year old child driving into our driveway, walking though the door or sleeping in his bed! I miss him so much and my heart aches every minute of every day!

I went to the cemetery to pay my respects to my son. I don’t feel any closer to Andrew there, yet I crave to go. I’m not sure why…maybe because I just want him to know he will never be forgotten. I don’t want his gravestone just sitting there with his name engraved in it like it has no meaning. So I go and I always bring my dogs with me. Andrew was a huge Batman fan so our dogs are named Bruce Wayne & Harley Quinn for him. I never would have gotten these dogs if Andrew was still here so I was telling them that they need to thank their big brother because he’s the reason we have them. I’m convinced that Andrew picked these two puppies for our family! They have brought us so much comfort & I never knew I could love any animal as much as I love Bruce & Harley!

I’m trying so hard to make my life meaningful every day but it takes a lot of effort! I am constantly talking to myself in my own head about changing my thoughts & what I need to do to honor my son! I see people who feel sorry for themselves and are consumed with self pity and I know I do NOT ever want to live that way! I cannot change the fact that my son has died. Asking “why me?” won’t bring Andrew back and only make me feel worse than I already do so I just try to  remind myself about the good things in my life. My beautiful family and friends, the love and support that surround me and the fact that my faith tells me I will be reunited with my son keep me going.

I had therapy today, which is a huge help because my therapist is an amazing person. She is wonderful at making me feel heard and validating my feelings. She also lost a child so we have an instant bond & connection. She has walked in my shoes and continues to shine so I admire her immensely. She tells me all the things I’m doing right and of course that makes me feel better. She has been a gift in my life & I’m very grateful for her.

I came home after therapy and my daughter Amanda and the puppies were on a walk so I went to find them. As I went looking for them, my mind was nonstop racing the whole time with my internal dialogue. I’m not sure if everyone does this but my brain is never quiet. I have full blown conversations with myself. I was having a conversation with myself about the fact that I have conversations with myself! Wow! I just can see how the pain of losing a child can ruin a person and I don’t want that to be me so I work hard at not letting that happen.  I crave to laugh, feel joy and actually live while I’m still alive! I never knew that just living would be something that I actually need to work so hard at!

Later, I was driving home from running errands and it’s the same route I drive 100 times a week. It’s the only way in & out of my street and it’s where my son took his last breath. One block from my house, where he crashed into a fence! A wooden barn fence that killed my son! How is that possible? It’s a one in a million freak accident and it happened to my son! So I was driving down that same street I travel multiple times a day & Pink Floyd “Wish You Were Here” came on the radio. This song reminds me of Andrew so I blasted it as I drove by the cross we placed at the sight of Andrew’s accident and I had tears streaming down my face knowing this is where my son’s heart beat for the very last time.  I will never get used to driving by that spot no matter how often I am forced to….it will always be the place my son crossed over into heaven. It is a sacred space for me and I can’t pass it without acknowledging my baby boy! I either say “I love you”, “I miss you”, or “oh Andrew”! If I’m honest sometimes I scream “WHAT THE FUCK!” (Sorry Mom) but it’s the truth!

I pulled into my driveway, cried in my car and then came into my house where I was greeted by my sweet puppies!  I am grieving my son but at the same time I have to continue to live my life. So I allow myself to cry & then come home and let my puppies lick my tears away!  It’s so much more complex than I would have ever realized. What I know for sure is my son was a special kid & I was blessed to be his mother for his short life. So, I will continue to work hard at being the best person I can even though my heart is forever broken!

 

kindness is contagious

It’s been a very busy few weeks….my son, Michael is graduating High School next week and we have been attending nonstop graduation party’s!! Michael’s party was Friday night and it was a very emotional day/night. We are so happy and proud of Michael; yet, without Andrew here to celebrate it just doesn’t feel right!  It’s a huge void in our family and it just feels horrible to be celebrating without him here with us! I cried a few times the day of Michael’s party and didn’t want to ruin it for him so I just kept drinking & dancing! It wound up being a very fun party and was a very nice night for everyone.

The day after the party both Mike and myself felt so beat up physically & emotionally! We had 3 parties we had to go to on Sat & another one on Sun. Somehow we drug our butts  out of bed and forced ourselves to go! It’s not easy to get all dressed and ready and paint a smile on your face when what you really want to do is curl up in bed and sleep or watch tv. It’s just the way it is now with our new life without Andrew. It’s easier to just hide from the world at home, but it’s not the healthy thing to do…..so we don’t. We go and talk with our friends and sometimes even have some laughs and then we go home and get back into our jammies and in our beds to watch tv, read or sleep.

I’m looking forward to going to the shore tomorrow for a few days. A change of scenery is always a mood lifter. Hopefully we get a day or two on the beach!!! I find the ocean & sand so relaxing & tranquil! It’s just so peaceful to sit and read on the beach! One of my favorite things to do on earth is to go to the beach! I am very grateful we have this house as our retreat!

Michael has his graduation next Friday, June 15 & I know that’s going to be a very proud & happy day for Michael; however, very sad without Andrew there to participate in the celebrarion of his little brother’s graduation! Andrew would be so excited for Michael! He would be proud that his brother wants to be a nurse! He adored Michael more than  anyone in the world! He was his favorite person….always was! So without bim here to cheer him on is heartbreaking! It makes me so sad but it also makes me very angry! He should be here with us and it pisses me off that he’s not! I have found myself feeling tremendously sad and depressed but also very angry! I feel jipped that my son only lived to be 20! That’s not long enough & it makes me feel cheated out of seeing my son grow up!

Tbis time needs to be focused on Michael so I have to keep moving my focus on him and his happiness! He deserves nothing but the best! He’s such an amazing young man who has been through so much pain and heartache at a young age and now he is leaving for college and majoring in nursing and we are so excited for his future!

So I have to find time to grieve and feel the huge loss and void in my life without Andrew, yet also feel the happiness, pride & excitement for Michael! I’m doing my best at trying to make that work! I love my three kids more than anything in the world! They are my pride and joy and my favorite  people on earth! I don’t know why Andrew was taken away at such a young age and it really is so heartbreaking & painful every second of the day but we have to fight through it and keep living the best we can! I just crave to see him and touch him! I close my eyes and try to feel him….try to hear his voice or his energy! Last night I was craving to feel his presence so bad I went and laid in his bed and wound up sleeping there for the night. I actually slept very well in his comfy bed! If only I could have been cuddling next to my budgy bear (Andrew’s nickname as a baby & sometimes more recent) . I just miss him so much and as time goes by I actually feel worse because I miss him even more!

I still have a lot to be grateful for….I am married to my best friend, I have two other wonderful children who both want to be nurses and take care of people for a living…and they will both be amazing caretakers! They are my world and we are lucky to have each other. We have two beautiful homes and adorable puppies who make us laugh! My mom would do anything she could to help us and does anything we ask of her. We have the best family & friends surrounding us and supporting us! None of this can bring Andrew back but it is a gift to be surrounded by kindness & compassion! It makes me want to continue to live and share the kindness & compassion back with the world!  We all have one life so let’s try and make the most out of it! Be kind! Be compassionate! Love one another! Have fun! Smile and laugh! It’s a gift to others but also such a gift to yourself!! kindness is contagious so let’s all pass it on! Let’s all be kind like Andrew! We don’t know what someone is dealing with in their lives but a simple smile can change fheir whole day!!

Our new normal

We had a full house down at our shore home this Memorial Day weekend. My mother and her boyfriend, my two children and alot of their friends and also one of Andrew’s best friends and his girlfriend were all down for the weekend. It was a nice distraction to be around everyone and they all kept me busy. We had some beautiful beach days and we met other family who were also down  and had a nice time. It was a great start to the summer. I feel very blessed to have this beautiful shore house and love to share it with our friends and family.

We spent a lot of time talking about Andrew and telling funny stories about him which always make us laugh because Andrew was quite a character. We went up to the boardwalk and ate pizza & ice cream and did the traditional seashore things we have always done with our family over the years. Only one thing was missing & that was our middle child, Andrew! His absence was so apparent and we all missed him being with us so much! It is so hard to truly accept that my son is gone and won’t be joining us in our family time together ever again. It’s so unnatural to not have my 3 kids with us. Now it’s 2 kids and not having my son here with us enjoying the beach and boardwalk really is so heartbreaking!

Andrew passed away 2 weeks before his much anticipated 21st Birthday. He had been talking about it for a year and was so excited for the day to come and he died before he ever was able to have his first legal drink or go to a bar. We had a party to celebrate his life with our friends and family and a lot of Andrew’s friends. We had his favorite food which was BBQ and we wanted to have live music because my kids all love music, concerts & dancing. We were trying hard to find a band that played the type of music Andrew & his friends listened to. Andrew loved a lot of different music but his favorite band was Green Day and he also liked classic rock and rap. We found the perfect band, “Angus Road”, who were young guys (my boys ages) and they played classic rock. They refused to let us pay them and played at our house for hours. This band, “Angus Road,”will always have such a special place in my heart. They did such a fabulous job and I felt Andrew’s spirit at the party, especially through their music.

“Angus Road” was playing at a bar near my shore house so we went to hear them play. They were awesome & it was great seeing them. Andrew would have had such a fun summer being 21 & able to go out to the bars and listen to the live music.  I thought about him all that night while I was out with my daughter, Amanda and her friends and Andrew’s friends Nick & Berniece. He would have had a ball dancing & partying with his sister and both of their friends.

We went to another spot that had a great band playing. We were enjoying ourselves but this was the last place I was the night before Andrew passed away. I got the call the next morning that he was gone so it brought me back to the last night when my life was normal. After that phone call my life changed forever and it will never be the same life it once was.

I got very emotional and I was ready to go home and so we left. We got home and my youngest son, Michael and his friends were all hanging in my kitchen listening to music so we all were in there talking and the kids were dancing. Michael was sharing with me how much pain he has been in and how he feels alone in his grief. Michael has been through so much in his short life. He had stage 4 cancer at age 14 and at age 17 lost his brother so tragically & suddenly! Everyone assumes because he’s playing football, out with friends and making plans for college that he’s doing fine. He said that nobody ever asks him how he’s doing….they ask him how I’m doing. He was very upset and shared a lot with me and I was glad he did. This is something I need to get better at….checking in on how my kids are doing and make sure they get any help they need. Amanda is better at communicating her pain and dealing with it in a healthy way.

I get so lost in my own grief I don’t think about my kids pain. Mike (my husband) and I talk a lot about how we are coping and share our journey with each other. I never want to put my pain on my kids because I know they have their own to deal with. But now I know that I need to initiate more conversations about how they are feeling.  We all have our own grief and cope in our own way but it’s important to have safe people to share with. I need to make sure my kids know I’m always available to talk about whatever their dealing with and if I can’t help I can find someone who can.

So today everyone was gone and I stayed down with my puppies to wash all of the sheets & towels and clean the house. I find it therapeutic to be down here alone and just mindlessly clean and wash. After a busy weekend I like to have a quiet day to just unwind and get in touch with myself and my feelings. I felt very somber today. It was a very emotional weekend with some good laughs and some painful cries. We need to take it as it comes. Enjoy the fun and embrace the pain as well. This is our new normal and we need to just allow ourselves to feel how we need to feel!

Life without Andrew will never be the same and I’m just trying so hard to accept this is my new life. Andrew will always be a part of who I am and I will miss him until the day I die! I long to see my boy again someday! Until then, I will keep trying to do my best to live my life to the fullest. I want to make Andrew proud that I didn’t just crawl into a ball and give up! I’m fighting to live, to smile & to feel the love I’m surrounded with!! I’m grateful I was given Andrew as my son for almost 21 years! He was a precious gift in my life and I’ll miss him forever. I look forward to being reunited with him one day! My precious son….I love you so much and I thank you for all you gave this world in your short life!

Remember to stop & smell the roses!

I’ve come to realize that when a new season begins, it is painful to move ahead without one of your children alive to share in it. The sun is shining and the temps are warm enough to head to the beach and we are ready to start our first full summer season in our new beach house, however without Andrew here it isn’t the same! His bedroom still has his bathing suits in the drawers and his flip flops are in his closet waiting here for him to come back this summer. Unfortunately, he’s never coming back to this house and it makes me very sad and also very angry!

Our kids were so excited when we bought our shore house. They all picked their bedrooms and loved  having their friends come down with them. We bought a golf cart this season and Andrew would have loved driving that around! It’s just so painful that he’s not here to experience this with us! We miss him so much and we would give anything  to get him back!

Andrew had the biggest personality and was so unpredictable! We all miss his spunk & charisma! I met some of his close friends for dinner last night and I love when I’m with them & we share stories about Andrew.  I enjoy listening to them talk about him and it fills my heart with happiness! They laugh and speak about him in a more intimate way than everyone else! They knew a whole other side of Andrew & when I’m around them I feel much closer to my son. They are a different extension of him and I know how much he adored them and how special his friends were to him. They all  miss his crazy, goofy yet caring spirit!  Andrew was one of a kind and brightened every room he entered so there  is a lot to miss! I am honored that they want to spend time with me & I hope we always keep in touch. I’ll do my best to make that happen forever.

I like being down here at the beach  and going on long walks along the ocean and listening to the waves crashing onto the rocks & feeling the rays from the sun beating on my face!  I just walk and ponder about my life. I think about how much I miss my son & wonder why my life turned out this way? I try to find joy in my days but it’s not as easy as it once was! But I never want to lose seeing beauty in this world! I don’t want to be a bitter, angry, miserable person for the rest of my life so I allow myself to be sad but then I need to push myself to move on. I just refuse to live in that space! I can feel it but then have to keep going! It’s a lot of work but worth it! I still have to live my life without my son and that just plain sucks! My heart is broken and there will always be a void in my life; however, I know Andrew would want me to live with joy & laughter for the both of us, so I’m really trying to do that!

I want to honor my son and take his crazy energy and use it for good! My life  is different now and always will be but I find it important to work hard at healing and living a meaningful life! I don’t know why I was handed so much heartache & tragedy but I was and I need to take it & learn from it. Take what I learn and use it to be a better person! I need to help others and just live the best life I can not only for me, but for Andrew.

I refuse to stop living, stop laughing and stop seeing the beauty in life! To me that woul be a waste of a life and I would never want to live that way! It’s an effort every day to get myself moving but once I do I am always so grateful I did! I took my puppies on a long walk along the sea wall and it was a gorgeous day! The water was a beautiful shade of blue and green & the sun was shining brightly and warmed my skin!. We stopped and just soaked it in!  I talked to Andrew and tried to feel his presence!! My puppies, Bruce Wayne & Harley Quinn (named after Andrew’s love of Batman) remind me of him at times. They live in the moment and love to explore the world around them! I know he picked these puppies for me to keep me on my toes and feel that he’s always by my side! He wants me to stop and smell the roses as he always did!

So this Memorial Day weekend I’m going to do my best to enjoy being  around my loved ones and be grateful for our shore house and having it filled with my  wonderful family! I’m going to appreciate the amazing ocean & relaxing beach and watch the  glorious sunset each night! I will do this for me and for Andrew! I will keep him in my heart and share this weekend with him! My beautiful son who I miss so much! I love you, Andrew always & forever!

 

We will never forget you!

I’ve been struggling the last few weeks….just not feeling myself. I’m just sad! I know it’s okay to feel sad, my son died how could I not feel sad? As time is going by I just miss Andrew so much! I feel so empty inside and I crave to hug my son and it hurts so bad! I feel like I’m living someone else’s life….this can’t really be happening? When is this going to end and I’ll get my life back? I just want people to remember my son! He existed and mattered and it’s so important for me to keep his memory alive as long as I’m alive!

It was Mother’s Day a few days ago and I was touched by how many people reached out to me to let me know they were thinking of me and Andrew. It really made me feel so loved and I appreciated everyone’s thoughtfulness and kindness!

Also, the boys who were in Andrew’s paint shop at Williamson all signed his paint helmet and dropped it off at my house last week and wrote us a note. We were very grateful they gave it to us. Another friend from my work came over and made us a beautiful 76ers throw blanket which was so very sweet of her! We only worked together for a short time and she went out of her way to make that for us and bring it over my house. I also received a few cards in the mail just to let me know I was being thought of and it all has meant so much to me! Every time someone goes out of their way to let me know me and my family are in their thoughts and prayers, it touches my heart and let’s me know what a beautiful world we live in! We are surrounded by goodness!

I don’t know why this happened to my family….why did Andrew have to die? Life is unfair and cruel sometimes….but it is also kind and loving! When I’m feeling so down and so sad someone will reach out to me and say something so thoughful or show me kindness in some way and I think to myself….We are going to be okay! We are going to survive and make it because we aren’t alone! People lift us up and carry us when we need them to! I definitely feel blessed to have such a huge support system who love my family and let us know it! Not feeling alone is a precious gift we have received throughout this tragic loss!

In my opinion, losing a child is the absolute worst thing that can happen to a parent. It’s just not supposed to be this way! It changes you as a person and the pain is constant and the void is huge! We try to get up and do as much living as we can. We try to laugh and feel joy but it’s just not as easy as it used to be. I’m grateful I have my wonderful husband and 2 awesome children plus my 2 puppies. They all give me reasons to smile and laugh and I wouldn’t be able to survive without them! I look at my other two kids and I’m so proud of how they have handled losing their brother and seeing their parents suffer. They have their own pain and are also empathetic to Mike and my pain too. They know when I need a hug or just to chit chat in bed. They also know when to be silly and make me laugh or when to talk about Andrew and share our memories of him! I love to talk about Andrew! I don’t ever want to pretend he didn’t exist! He is my son and lived a short life but he touched so many lives….he made a difference and I don’t ever want that forgotten!

Writing this blog helps me to share my feelings honestly and connect with other people who also have a painful journey of their own! I’m an open book and I need people and connections to feel better and heal! Communication is a huge part of my being so I can’t just become a hermit I would waste away & die! I appreciate everyone reading this and sharing feedback. Please subscribe if you want to continue to read and follow me. You’re all a blessing in my life and I thank you!

I miss my son!

I’m having a very rough week. All I want to do is sleep and to do the simplest tasks has been such a challenge! One minute I’m so sad and the next I’m angry at the world! I want answers to questions I can’t have and it makes me reevaluate my whole belief system. I’m just so confused about life!

We are about to hit the 10 month mark since my son, Andrew passed away.  I miss him so much and just long to touch him and talk to him! I walk past his bedroom and it looks like he’s coming home but he will never sleep in that bed again and it really makes no sense to me! Why? Why did he have to die? He had his whole life to live and in an instant it was all taken away from us! Now we have to live the rest of our lives without our son here and it just hurts so bad! There are no words to even describe the pain of losing a child!

My younger son, Michael has his senior prom on Friday and then his graduation and graduation party are all coming up as well as  Mother’s Day. All of these celebrations won’t be the same because there is a huge void without Andrew here to be part of the celebrations. My oldest daughter, Amanda is doing so well in school and we are so proud of her. It just isn’t the same without Andrew here to see all that is happening.

You just always assume your children will outlive you. They will get married, buy a house, have children and create a whole new life for themselves. That’s how it’s supposed to happen. We bought a shore house last summer hoping that one day our grandkids would come down. Each of our 3 kids have a bedroom and it was so much fun picking out all of the decor for our new summer home.  Andrew helped me put all the patio furniture together and get the house ready so we could enjoy the rest of the summer down there and we did. We had a very nice time together at our new shore house!! Andrew’s bedroom still has his bathing suits and shorts in the drawers and some flip flops and sweatshirts in the closet. He was ready to come down again and that never happened becuase on Aug. 12th he hit a fence and died instantly!! He was one block from home and didn’t make it! That is the worst day of my life!

So now as we begin the summer and going back down the beach,  Andrew won’t be with us. It’s just such a punch in the gut that he will never be joining us down at our family shore house that we bought so we could all be together more! It breaks my heart and just seriously crushes my soul! I try so hard to put on a brave face and go though the motions of life but it is so exhausting! After a while I just can’t do it anymore! I need a day to just stay in bed and cry!

I keep staring  at pictures of Andrew and wishing I could just climb inside it and hug him or  touch his face! I just miss my son and can’t stand knowing I’m never going to be able to have him here with me where he belongs! He’s gone and he’s not coming back and I just can’t accept it! I need him here with me! Why Why Why did he have to leave? It’s so unfair! I want my baby back!

I don’t have a choice except to wake up and force myself to do what I need to do tomorrow. I can’t just lie in bed all day I just can’t….I want to but I can’t! I have to fake it though another day. That’s how it feels like I’m just a robot going through the motions of life on autopilot. It’s not really me….I have no idea where the real  me even is….do I even exist anymore? I’m just a shell of the person I once was.

I question everything about life now….what’s even real or not real? Everything I thought I knew for sure I don’t  know anymore! I don’t know what to believe! I’m just so confused about so many things and it makes me sad to feel this way! I believe in God and I believe in heaven. I believe God is love and love is God. Besides that I don’t know what to believe.

I am grateful for the kindness I have been shown during this horrible time in my life. It helps me feel so much better when I read the cards, texts and messages I receive letting me know that you’re thinking of me and my family! It is so comforting to know we are all being thought of and prayed for. Life keeps moving on but knowing that people are remembering us means so much!

I will continue to think about Andrew every day & night and tell him how much I have always loved him and always will! I will also tell him how much I miss him and wish he was here with all of us because life will never be the same without him! Life without Andrew just feels so incomplete! I pray for peace and acceptance. I’m far from that point now but I hope I won’t always feel  this way!! All I can do is my best today and today my best wasn’t so great! Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day!