I was looking through all the pictures on my phone tonight and every time I saw a picture of Andrew I just stared at his handsome face, zoomed in and just looked into his eyes and longed for him to come alive! I miss him more than words can explain and I just have an overwhelming sadness all the time! I just want to hug and kiss him so badly….just one more time! Grief is like an ocean and it comes in waves. I’ll have a descent day and then the next it’s like BAM! Knocks me right down and takes my breath away! Today I just had Andrew on my mind every second and I was just feeling very down & depressed. It’s so surreal to know you will never see your child again here on earth and then have to wake up and continue to live life without him.
I noticed that in every picture Andrew is always touching someone… he either has his arm around them or his hand is placed over theirs. I could see & feel the love right through the photograph & that is precious to me. In 2016, we went on a family vacation to Ocho Rios and it was such a wonderful time. One of the best family memories I have is from that trip. We went to the the “ Blue Hole”, which is such a cool place. They have caves, waterfalls & cliffs to dive off and the water is a beautiful shade of turquois. Our tour guide was amazing…he was doing flips and dives off of the highest cliffs and was so entertaining! It was a perfect day and we all loved it! We swam through caves, walked down waterfalls & jumped off cliffs….even me! I found a picture of the five of us from that day and it literally made me smile remembering the fantastic day we had together, yet so deeply saddened me because I know that we will never go on a vacation like that as a family of five ever again.
It seems like when I’m really struggling, people reach out to me in ways that really warm my heart! Last week I received a book from another mother who lost her son very recently. She read this book and thought I would like it which is so kind that she’s thinking of me during her own horrendous grief. It’s a short book that a mother whose son passed away wrote. It’s called “Through the Eyes of a Dove” and it’s about seeing signs from our children to bring us peace and acceptance which I really need!
Two other people texted me pictures of things they saw that reminded them of Andrew and they wanted to let me know they were thinking of him which is the best gift anyone could ever give me! One picture was of a Batman license plate & the other of a whole display of Batman decor in a store.
I also received a beautiful card in the mail with a kind and thoughtful note saying she’s praying for me & my family and that she is always thinking of us!! The best mail I could receive!
But my favorite thing that happened this week was a friend who sent me a message that she saw on Facebook. This young girl she knows was at the cemetery visiting a family member. She decided to take a little drive around which is something she never did before. She came across a beautiful stone with Batman on it. She’s a huge Batman fan so she pulled over and got out to look at it and she even took a picture. She noticed how young this person was when they died. It was Andrew’s stone. She read his name & remembered her cousin losing a friend recently named Andrew so she texted the picture to him and it was the same Andrew. She couldn’t believe that the one stone that caught her attention was her cousin’s friend. This really made my heart happy! To know that random people just stop to admire his stone and know they have the love of Batman in common just brings me joy! She said he’s my Batman buddy now!
I don’t believe in coincidences…I never have and I believe it even more strongly now! None of these little hugs I received all week were coincidences! They happened to the right people that would take the time to let me know they were thinking of Andrew & me and those signs came from my son! I really believe that! He knows I’m grieving his loss and wants to help me feel that he’s here with me and he’s at peace and in a better place. It’s funny how ao many signs I get from Andrew revolve around Batman & music which were two of his favorite things on earth! I never thought I would be so grateful for Batman, but I am!
To me, love is God and I received a lot of love this week! God is with me and my son is with Him! I’m so thankful that even through my sadness I can feel so much love surrounding me! That is what gets me though each day!