Ten months since my precious son, Andrew died….ten months! I haven’t heard my son’s voice or seen his handsome face in ten months! This is such a hard concept for anyone to truly grasp! I’m living this nightmare and I can’t even understand how I’m surviving day by day….let alone 10 months without my child, my 21 year old child driving into our driveway, walking though the door or sleeping in his bed! I miss him so much and my heart aches every minute of every day!
I went to the cemetery to pay my respects to my son. I don’t feel any closer to Andrew there, yet I crave to go. I’m not sure why…maybe because I just want him to know he will never be forgotten. I don’t want his gravestone just sitting there with his name engraved in it like it has no meaning. So I go and I always bring my dogs with me. Andrew was a huge Batman fan so our dogs are named Bruce Wayne & Harley Quinn for him. I never would have gotten these dogs if Andrew was still here so I was telling them that they need to thank their big brother because he’s the reason we have them. I’m convinced that Andrew picked these two puppies for our family! They have brought us so much comfort & I never knew I could love any animal as much as I love Bruce & Harley!
I’m trying so hard to make my life meaningful every day but it takes a lot of effort! I am constantly talking to myself in my own head about changing my thoughts & what I need to do to honor my son! I see people who feel sorry for themselves and are consumed with self pity and I know I do NOT ever want to live that way! I cannot change the fact that my son has died. Asking “why me?” won’t bring Andrew back and only make me feel worse than I already do so I just try to remind myself about the good things in my life. My beautiful family and friends, the love and support that surround me and the fact that my faith tells me I will be reunited with my son keep me going.
I had therapy today, which is a huge help because my therapist is an amazing person. She is wonderful at making me feel heard and validating my feelings. She also lost a child so we have an instant bond & connection. She has walked in my shoes and continues to shine so I admire her immensely. She tells me all the things I’m doing right and of course that makes me feel better. She has been a gift in my life & I’m very grateful for her.
I came home after therapy and my daughter Amanda and the puppies were on a walk so I went to find them. As I went looking for them, my mind was nonstop racing the whole time with my internal dialogue. I’m not sure if everyone does this but my brain is never quiet. I have full blown conversations with myself. I was having a conversation with myself about the fact that I have conversations with myself! Wow! I just can see how the pain of losing a child can ruin a person and I don’t want that to be me so I work hard at not letting that happen. I crave to laugh, feel joy and actually live while I’m still alive! I never knew that just living would be something that I actually need to work so hard at!
Later, I was driving home from running errands and it’s the same route I drive 100 times a week. It’s the only way in & out of my street and it’s where my son took his last breath. One block from my house, where he crashed into a fence! A wooden barn fence that killed my son! How is that possible? It’s a one in a million freak accident and it happened to my son! So I was driving down that same street I travel multiple times a day & Pink Floyd “Wish You Were Here” came on the radio. This song reminds me of Andrew so I blasted it as I drove by the cross we placed at the sight of Andrew’s accident and I had tears streaming down my face knowing this is where my son’s heart beat for the very last time. I will never get used to driving by that spot no matter how often I am forced to….it will always be the place my son crossed over into heaven. It is a sacred space for me and I can’t pass it without acknowledging my baby boy! I either say “I love you”, “I miss you”, or “oh Andrew”! If I’m honest sometimes I scream “WHAT THE FUCK!” (Sorry Mom) but it’s the truth!
I pulled into my driveway, cried in my car and then came into my house where I was greeted by my sweet puppies! I am grieving my son but at the same time I have to continue to live my life. So I allow myself to cry & then come home and let my puppies lick my tears away! It’s so much more complex than I would have ever realized. What I know for sure is my son was a special kid & I was blessed to be his mother for his short life. So, I will continue to work hard at being the best person I can even though my heart is forever broken!