I’ve been struggling the last few weeks….just not feeling myself. I’m just sad! I know it’s okay to feel sad, my son died how could I not feel sad? As time is going by I just miss Andrew so much! I feel so empty inside and I crave to hug my son and it hurts so bad! I feel like I’m living someone else’s life….this can’t really be happening? When is this going to end and I’ll get my life back? I just want people to remember my son! He existed and mattered and it’s so important for me to keep his memory alive as long as I’m alive!
It was Mother’s Day a few days ago and I was touched by how many people reached out to me to let me know they were thinking of me and Andrew. It really made me feel so loved and I appreciated everyone’s thoughtfulness and kindness!
Also, the boys who were in Andrew’s paint shop at Williamson all signed his paint helmet and dropped it off at my house last week and wrote us a note. We were very grateful they gave it to us. Another friend from my work came over and made us a beautiful 76ers throw blanket which was so very sweet of her! We only worked together for a short time and she went out of her way to make that for us and bring it over my house. I also received a few cards in the mail just to let me know I was being thought of and it all has meant so much to me! Every time someone goes out of their way to let me know me and my family are in their thoughts and prayers, it touches my heart and let’s me know what a beautiful world we live in! We are surrounded by goodness!
I don’t know why this happened to my family….why did Andrew have to die? Life is unfair and cruel sometimes….but it is also kind and loving! When I’m feeling so down and so sad someone will reach out to me and say something so thoughful or show me kindness in some way and I think to myself….We are going to be okay! We are going to survive and make it because we aren’t alone! People lift us up and carry us when we need them to! I definitely feel blessed to have such a huge support system who love my family and let us know it! Not feeling alone is a precious gift we have received throughout this tragic loss!
In my opinion, losing a child is the absolute worst thing that can happen to a parent. It’s just not supposed to be this way! It changes you as a person and the pain is constant and the void is huge! We try to get up and do as much living as we can. We try to laugh and feel joy but it’s just not as easy as it used to be. I’m grateful I have my wonderful husband and 2 awesome children plus my 2 puppies. They all give me reasons to smile and laugh and I wouldn’t be able to survive without them! I look at my other two kids and I’m so proud of how they have handled losing their brother and seeing their parents suffer. They have their own pain and are also empathetic to Mike and my pain too. They know when I need a hug or just to chit chat in bed. They also know when to be silly and make me laugh or when to talk about Andrew and share our memories of him! I love to talk about Andrew! I don’t ever want to pretend he didn’t exist! He is my son and lived a short life but he touched so many lives….he made a difference and I don’t ever want that forgotten!
Writing this blog helps me to share my feelings honestly and connect with other people who also have a painful journey of their own! I’m an open book and I need people and connections to feel better and heal! Communication is a huge part of my being so I can’t just become a hermit I would waste away & die! I appreciate everyone reading this and sharing feedback. Please subscribe if you want to continue to read and follow me. You’re all a blessing in my life and I thank you!