I miss my son!

I’m having a very rough week. All I want to do is sleep and to do the simplest tasks has been such a challenge! One minute I’m so sad and the next I’m angry at the world! I want answers to questions I can’t have and it makes me reevaluate my whole belief system. I’m just so confused about life!

We are about to hit the 10 month mark since my son, Andrew passed away.  I miss him so much and just long to touch him and talk to him! I walk past his bedroom and it looks like he’s coming home but he will never sleep in that bed again and it really makes no sense to me! Why? Why did he have to die? He had his whole life to live and in an instant it was all taken away from us! Now we have to live the rest of our lives without our son here and it just hurts so bad! There are no words to even describe the pain of losing a child!

My younger son, Michael has his senior prom on Friday and then his graduation and graduation party are all coming up as well as  Mother’s Day. All of these celebrations won’t be the same because there is a huge void without Andrew here to be part of the celebrations. My oldest daughter, Amanda is doing so well in school and we are so proud of her. It just isn’t the same without Andrew here to see all that is happening.

You just always assume your children will outlive you. They will get married, buy a house, have children and create a whole new life for themselves. That’s how it’s supposed to happen. We bought a shore house last summer hoping that one day our grandkids would come down. Each of our 3 kids have a bedroom and it was so much fun picking out all of the decor for our new summer home.  Andrew helped me put all the patio furniture together and get the house ready so we could enjoy the rest of the summer down there and we did. We had a very nice time together at our new shore house!! Andrew’s bedroom still has his bathing suits and shorts in the drawers and some flip flops and sweatshirts in the closet. He was ready to come down again and that never happened becuase on Aug. 12th he hit a fence and died instantly!! He was one block from home and didn’t make it! That is the worst day of my life!

So now as we begin the summer and going back down the beach,  Andrew won’t be with us. It’s just such a punch in the gut that he will never be joining us down at our family shore house that we bought so we could all be together more! It breaks my heart and just seriously crushes my soul! I try so hard to put on a brave face and go though the motions of life but it is so exhausting! After a while I just can’t do it anymore! I need a day to just stay in bed and cry!

I keep staring  at pictures of Andrew and wishing I could just climb inside it and hug him or  touch his face! I just miss my son and can’t stand knowing I’m never going to be able to have him here with me where he belongs! He’s gone and he’s not coming back and I just can’t accept it! I need him here with me! Why Why Why did he have to leave? It’s so unfair! I want my baby back!

I don’t have a choice except to wake up and force myself to do what I need to do tomorrow. I can’t just lie in bed all day I just can’t….I want to but I can’t! I have to fake it though another day. That’s how it feels like I’m just a robot going through the motions of life on autopilot. It’s not really me….I have no idea where the real  me even is….do I even exist anymore? I’m just a shell of the person I once was.

I question everything about life now….what’s even real or not real? Everything I thought I knew for sure I don’t  know anymore! I don’t know what to believe! I’m just so confused about so many things and it makes me sad to feel this way! I believe in God and I believe in heaven. I believe God is love and love is God. Besides that I don’t know what to believe.

I am grateful for the kindness I have been shown during this horrible time in my life. It helps me feel so much better when I read the cards, texts and messages I receive letting me know that you’re thinking of me and my family! It is so comforting to know we are all being thought of and prayed for. Life keeps moving on but knowing that people are remembering us means so much!

I will continue to think about Andrew every day & night and tell him how much I have always loved him and always will! I will also tell him how much I miss him and wish he was here with all of us because life will never be the same without him! Life without Andrew just feels so incomplete! I pray for peace and acceptance. I’m far from that point now but I hope I won’t always feel  this way!! All I can do is my best today and today my best wasn’t so great! Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day!

 

Published by

mightymelissa

My name is Melissa Shelly and I am a 46 year old mom who lives in Newtown Square, PA. I never thought of myself as mighty but when my 14 year old son, Michael was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer on August 18, 2014, everyone kept telling me how strong I was. Three years later on August 12, 2017, my 20 year old son, Andrew died instantly in a car accident. Again, people kept saying I was so strong and I actually hated when people would say that to me! I have heard 100 times “I could never do what you’re doing....if my child died I wouldn’t be able to function!”. That’s what I thought about myself until it was me! I didn’t ask to be handed these tragedies & painful traumatic events and I never felt I had a choice....I had to be a mighty leader!! I am a mother of three children and a wife to a wonderful man. We needed to survive and keep hope alive in our hearts! I wish I never had to be strong....but unfortunately we don’t control many things in our lives; however, we can control how we deal with them. It isn’t easy and I have some really bad days but I continue to work on healing and living my life with meaning and purpose. I want to share my pain and my successes with anyone who wants to walk beside me!

8 thoughts on “I miss my son!”

  1. I hate that you are going thru this but i am so proud of you that you are sharing your raw emotions with everyone. It is good for you and going to help others. You are always giving and inspiring others even in your darkest hour. Hoping you have a better day today!

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  2. I have said this to you before…. I pray every day that your two feet hit the floor. God bless you and your family. I wish as a community we could all take a piece of your pain for you.

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  3. Your blog not only speaks to those who have lost a child but everyone who love and worry about our children as they go out on their own in life! Thank you MighteyMelissa for your blog! 💕💕

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  4. I want to cry and smile at the same time as I read your words. Our situations are different, yet the same and as I think about another summer with a birthday to miss and an anniversary that is no cause for celebration I feel your pain and pray for all of us to be able to keep our faith and trust that God will use these trials for our good. Keep writing. Sending my love.

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  5. Your son will always be in your heart. Keep making the effort to put your feet on the floor and at the end of the day be proud of yourself for making it through another day. Andrew is watching over you and he would want you to work through your grief. Be brave, get through one hour at a time. There are so many people who care about you, and to catch you when you fall.

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  6. I can hardly believe it’s been almost 10 months. I know how it hurts to watch life go on while it feels like yours has come to s screeching halt. It’s an absolute rollercoaster. I am so sorry, I wish you never had to know how this feels. You’re always in my thoughts. ❤

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  7. It breaks my heart to read this and replay what happened to Andrew. You are absolutely right, life is forever changed without Andrew here with us.
    Until we are with him again we may never understand why he was taken away. When I think back over the 20 years we had with him I am strangely comforted by the fact that he NEVER for one day just existed here. He was constantly a bright light, full of life, energy and passion. Not one dull moment his entire life! I thank God for that. I will never forget that he chose to go out of his way to spend time with me and Lauren the last time we were together at the shore. I’ve said this many times but I wish I could spare you and Mike this agony. ❤️

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