I’m having a very rough week. All I want to do is sleep and to do the simplest tasks has been such a challenge! One minute I’m so sad and the next I’m angry at the world! I want answers to questions I can’t have and it makes me reevaluate my whole belief system. I’m just so confused about life!
We are about to hit the 10 month mark since my son, Andrew passed away. I miss him so much and just long to touch him and talk to him! I walk past his bedroom and it looks like he’s coming home but he will never sleep in that bed again and it really makes no sense to me! Why? Why did he have to die? He had his whole life to live and in an instant it was all taken away from us! Now we have to live the rest of our lives without our son here and it just hurts so bad! There are no words to even describe the pain of losing a child!
My younger son, Michael has his senior prom on Friday and then his graduation and graduation party are all coming up as well as Mother’s Day. All of these celebrations won’t be the same because there is a huge void without Andrew here to be part of the celebrations. My oldest daughter, Amanda is doing so well in school and we are so proud of her. It just isn’t the same without Andrew here to see all that is happening.
You just always assume your children will outlive you. They will get married, buy a house, have children and create a whole new life for themselves. That’s how it’s supposed to happen. We bought a shore house last summer hoping that one day our grandkids would come down. Each of our 3 kids have a bedroom and it was so much fun picking out all of the decor for our new summer home. Andrew helped me put all the patio furniture together and get the house ready so we could enjoy the rest of the summer down there and we did. We had a very nice time together at our new shore house!! Andrew’s bedroom still has his bathing suits and shorts in the drawers and some flip flops and sweatshirts in the closet. He was ready to come down again and that never happened becuase on Aug. 12th he hit a fence and died instantly!! He was one block from home and didn’t make it! That is the worst day of my life!
So now as we begin the summer and going back down the beach, Andrew won’t be with us. It’s just such a punch in the gut that he will never be joining us down at our family shore house that we bought so we could all be together more! It breaks my heart and just seriously crushes my soul! I try so hard to put on a brave face and go though the motions of life but it is so exhausting! After a while I just can’t do it anymore! I need a day to just stay in bed and cry!
I keep staring at pictures of Andrew and wishing I could just climb inside it and hug him or touch his face! I just miss my son and can’t stand knowing I’m never going to be able to have him here with me where he belongs! He’s gone and he’s not coming back and I just can’t accept it! I need him here with me! Why Why Why did he have to leave? It’s so unfair! I want my baby back!
I don’t have a choice except to wake up and force myself to do what I need to do tomorrow. I can’t just lie in bed all day I just can’t….I want to but I can’t! I have to fake it though another day. That’s how it feels like I’m just a robot going through the motions of life on autopilot. It’s not really me….I have no idea where the real me even is….do I even exist anymore? I’m just a shell of the person I once was.
I question everything about life now….what’s even real or not real? Everything I thought I knew for sure I don’t know anymore! I don’t know what to believe! I’m just so confused about so many things and it makes me sad to feel this way! I believe in God and I believe in heaven. I believe God is love and love is God. Besides that I don’t know what to believe.
I am grateful for the kindness I have been shown during this horrible time in my life. It helps me feel so much better when I read the cards, texts and messages I receive letting me know that you’re thinking of me and my family! It is so comforting to know we are all being thought of and prayed for. Life keeps moving on but knowing that people are remembering us means so much!
I will continue to think about Andrew every day & night and tell him how much I have always loved him and always will! I will also tell him how much I miss him and wish he was here with all of us because life will never be the same without him! Life without Andrew just feels so incomplete! I pray for peace and acceptance. I’m far from that point now but I hope I won’t always feel this way!! All I can do is my best today and today my best wasn’t so great! Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day!