I was taking my two puppies (yes I am crazy) for a walk today and noticed a lot of new growth and life all around my neighborhood. There is a huge pond down the street and it was full of frogs, turtles & huge coy fish. I could hear them splashing around in the water which is the first time this spring. I saw a nest with blue eggs in it ready to hatch and I heard a really loud woodpecker knocking on a nearby tree. Flowers are in full bloom and the grass is plush and green.
Last Spring, Andrew was alive and life was good. I could have never imagined what was to come in a few months. May 12th will be 9 months since I’ve heard his voice or saw his beautiful smile!! That is still so unbelievable to me. How does your son, your baby, just vanish from your life? One minute everything was simple and the next it was completely turned upside down!
Since Andrew has passed away, I am a completely changed person. I feel like I see life from a new set of eyes! Everything is different, everything! I can’t tolerate being around certain people because they trigger my anxiety. I resigned from my job because I don’t have the patience to do what I was doing. The simplest of chores take so much effort. I definitely don’t sweat about the small stuff…I really don’t even think about stupid or petty things anymore. It so doesn’t matter and not worth the energy.
I try so hard to focus on all of the great things my other two children are doing and tell them how proud I am of them often. Watching a movie on the couch with my hubby is a perfect Saturday night now and I love to cuddle with my puppies and embrace their kisses! Things I used to consider fun just aren’t fun anymore. Taking my dogs for a walk is one of my favorite things to do and I didn’t even want a dog 9 months ago.
My main focus on life right now is to get up out of bed and get dressed. Sounds pretty routine but it isn’t anymore. I have to write down a list of things I need to accomplish and try to get a few done. It feels like it’s work to live right now. I am choosing to do the work because it is too easy to stay in bed and hide from the world.
So I’m trying to appreciate the flowers, hear the woodpeckers and see the bright orange coy fish swimming in the pond. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with my head in the dirt. I don’t know what tomorrow brings for me or my family so I’m trying to see the beauty in today. I can’t give up….not for Andrew, Amanda, Michael, Mike or myself. It’s not easy but I’m doing my best.